Month: February 2013

I Close my eyes and wonder…

If it’s like this where you are:

Are the days long and full of sun?
The grass the greenest you’ve ever seen?
Are the flowers in full bloom?
The rivers crystal clean, And your bowl full of ice cream?

Is the “special of the day” pepperoni pizza?
Followed by a nap,
Or have you suddenly decided to be athletic,
And swim an extra lap?

I’m sure your paradise is amazing
And that you’ve met up with friends.
Back home we all miss you
And can’t wait to see you again!

Love you.

When my husband, Jeremy, decided to get Bruno (then, only known to us as “double eye patch male”) from a breeder in California, I must admit I hadn’t given it much thought. It was 8 years ago, we were still newly married, and I suppose that I considered that this new addition was to be HIS dog, therefore I didn’t involve myself in the research or decision making whatsoever.

Little did I know, that by the time night would fall- on the first night of Bruno’s arrival into our lives- that HE would become MY little boy.

From that day forward, Bruno became My greatest gift. The gift I never new I’d always wanted and the gift that kept on giving. He brought more joy and love into our lives than I could have ever imagined.

Therefore, with two months approaching (on Monday) since he crossed Rainbow Bridge, I miss him more than ever. I could go on and on by the list of things I miss about him is too long and the pain too great. He is with me-embedded in my heart-everyday, in ever way.

Two weeks ago we received a letter in the mail from Iowa State University. It was upon reading the entire content of the letter that I came to realized that Dr. Julia Gillespie, the vet whom I had turned to at the end of Bruno’s journey, had made a contribution in Bruno’s honor to the Animal Companion Fund. This gesture on her part, gave me what I so desperately needed during this time in my grieving. Her acknowledgement of his life, and the love he brought into our lives, and the care I sought out for him- was what I needed just then. Her contribution, her gift, on his behalf and in his memory would serve to help others in their quest for answers.

Although Bruno and I did not share much time with Dr. Gillespie and her wonderful staff, they gave me what I needed, when I so needed it. In the end, I had turned to her in hopes that there would be one final alternative, one wonder something, which I had not yet tried which would save my Bruno and which would give us more time together. She listened. She understood. And although she knew far too well the road which awaited ahead, she allowed me the arrive at the understanding that the impending inevitable was just around the corner and assured me that I would know when our time had come.

“Thank you, Dr. Julia, Kendall, and Jessica, for the gift of care. The way you cared for Bruno and the peace of mind which you gave me during a terrible time, of trying to figure out how to let go, made it as painless as it possibly could be.I thank you for your work and for honoring him with the contribution made in his name.”

Once again, Bruno proves to be the gift which keeps on giving.

b

WHEN?!…

WHEN?
WHEN!

WHEN?
WHEN will the day come in which when I open my eyes & awaken to a new day, that the thought (blissful & peaceful , yet NOT fully conscious) of Bruno, which is the first to greet me EACh morning, will be allowed to linger; STAY with me a second longer.

WHEN?
WHEN will I have a morning in which Bruno, and thoughts of him -beckoning my attention- will Not feel ‘forcefully-ripped’, ‘shattered-intentionally’, and pried away from me?

WHEN?
WHEN!

EACH morning, the same. My “Awareness”-and the way by which I arrive at that state, an awaken, is so immediate and forced. EACH morning it reveals itself to me by jolting me into ‘Reality’. And in that very instant I Remember that my (old) reality is no longer, and that Bruno is not with me.
(These are the times when ‘Reality BITES!’) How can it be that EACH morning it feels the same? So- unexpected and heavy, as though I’ve been punched in the gut.

It’s as though a cruel, sinister prankster, “Reality”, finds pleasure in tormenting me by watching me fall victim to the “groundhog day” effect. EACH morning, over, and over again.
…

“REAliTY!”- is currently a.k.a “my nemesis”, “bully”, “tormenter”…

“Reality.” -It rushes upon me, overwhelming my emotions and mind; StEALING the glimpse of Bruno which I yearn for (taking the happiness which accompanied that brief moment with it). I awaken feeling vandalized & disillusioned by my “Awareness” to my “Reality”.

WHY can’t “REality” just give it a rest?!?!

JUST for ONE morning.
-ONE!

JUST for ONE morning, please ALLOW me the pleasure of remaining in that hazy, unaware state (in which I am transported back to the serene memory of our blessed, extraordinary, everyday life-what I call “HoME”. That sacred, secure, special place.)

JUST for ONE morning?
JUST for a Moment longer!

JUST for a Moment longer, can I peer back to times- times, NOT so long ago- when my life, my family, was the way I’ve always know it to be; the way I ALWAYS wanted it to be and remain.Unchanged. With Bruno…still here.
…

For JUST ONE Morning. JUST a Moment longer.