WHEN will the day come in which when I open my eyes & awaken to a new day, that the thought (blissful & peaceful , yet NOT fully conscious) of Bruno, which is the first to greet me EACh morning, will be allowed to linger; STAY with me a second longer.
WHEN will I have a morning in which Bruno, and thoughts of him -beckoning my attention- will Not feel ‘forcefully-ripped’, ‘shattered-intentionally’, and pried away from me?
EACH morning, the same. My “Awareness”-and the way by which I arrive at that state, an awaken, is so immediate and forced. EACH morning it reveals itself to me by jolting me into ‘Reality’. And in that very instant I Remember that my (old) reality is no longer, and that Bruno is not with me.
(These are the times when ‘Reality BITES!’) How can it be that EACH morning it feels the same? So- unexpected and heavy, as though I’ve been punched in the gut.
It’s as though a cruel, sinister prankster, “Reality”, finds pleasure in tormenting me by watching me fall victim to the “groundhog day” effect. EACH morning, over, and over again.
“REAliTY!”- is currently a.k.a “my nemesis”, “bully”, “tormenter”…
“Reality.” -It rushes upon me, overwhelming my emotions and mind; StEALING the glimpse of Bruno which I yearn for (taking the happiness which accompanied that brief moment with it). I awaken feeling vandalized & disillusioned by my “Awareness” to my “Reality”.
WHY can’t “REality” just give it a rest?!?!
JUST for ONE morning.
JUST for ONE morning, please ALLOW me the pleasure of remaining in that hazy, unaware state (in which I am transported back to the serene memory of our blessed, extraordinary, everyday life-what I call “HoME”. That sacred, secure, special place.)
JUST for ONE morning?
JUST for a Moment longer!
JUST for a Moment longer, can I peer back to times- times, NOT so long ago- when my life, my family, was the way I’ve always know it to be; the way I ALWAYS wanted it to be and remain.Unchanged. With Bruno…still here.
For JUST ONE Morning. JUST a Moment longer.
7 thoughts on “WHEN?!…”
Thank you for sharing these innermost thoughts. Hopefully letting them out will help with your grieving process.
We still hurt deeply over Jerry’s loss, even years later. But it helps knowing that he is always by our side in spirit, and remembering that he absolutely hated it whenever we were sad.
Your beautiful boy Bruno will be in your hearts and minds everyday. It is so hard to love so much and lose even more. We lost our Misty girl 16 months ago. She is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. It’s ok to think about them, talk about them and mourn them. When we have something that special, how can the world be the same without them?
I lost my baby 8 months ago and it still hurts every day. It gets a little easier with time, though. I promise. I can talk about him now without tears, and I can laugh at the good memories. I don’t think the pain ever goes away, but that is because it was a true pure love.
The quote inscribed on my Hudson’s urn says:
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. -Kahlil Gibran
That quote has helped me find some comfort in his loss, and I can only hope that it helps you a little as well. Please know that though we may never meet, I am thinking of you and mourning with you.
I lost my heart dog one year and 5 months ago. As time passes it gets a little easier but my heart still aches. I think thats what true love does to you. I still think of him every day. How can you not? When you have a special animal they are more than just a dog. We just had to send his Boxer brother across the bridge on Monday and a new pain has started as we mourn his loss now along with Chili Dawgs. Where their pain ends ours unfortunately begins. Jerry is right though, they wouldn’t want us to be sad. That is what I keep telling my son when he cries for his Finchy this week. Know that we all mourn with you and I am sending you hugs from IL.
What you wrote is so chilling and rings so true to so many of us. I truly know what you are going through and I wish you didn’t have to endure this kind of pain. Bearing this kind of pain is exhausting. It feels like there is no room for anything else in your mind. The memories and what if’s playing over and over in your head. Wishing there was some kind of escape. A magical memory eraser that would erase all the bad memories and only leave behind the good ones. Time is kind of like though. After a long while your mind will choose to focus on all of the great things about having Bruno in your life. His silly antics, his loving cuddles, his fantastic smile. “When” is different for everyone and is somewhat of a mystery. But you will feel happy and smile again. What you wrote was exactly how I felt after my Valentina died from OS. The one year anniversary of her death just passed and it was indeed very hard but I have now accepted what happened and I have been able to mostly think about how fortunate I was to spend all of those years with the most wonderful Dog in the world. Wishing time will heal your wounded heart and memories will make you smile when you think of Bruno’s sweet face.
I agree with all of the above comments. You have written so vividly what so many of us feel and I wept as I read it. Time helps but I don’t think the pain ever goes away completely.
It’s been 9 months for me and Magnum is still in my thoughts every hour of the day. The first 3 months were the hardest but there have been some tough days and weeks since then as well.
I never thought I could be happy again, but I am. And I never thought I could love again, but I do.
I remember Jerry once writing something in response to another’s pain and it was along the lines of “what if they had never been in your life at all?” That comment has often helped bring me back from grief and helped me to smile and be thankful that we were able to have the wonderful time we had together.
Keep doing what you need to do to remember Bruno, to mourn him. Grief is a very personal thing that you must travel alone, but we are here beside you every step of the way.
Your words are so powerful and I can feel the pain you are feeling as you write. Allow yourself to grieve for Bruno as long as you need to. You and Bruno share a unique bond that will never be broken. Bruno is very special and always will be to you. He was part of your family, and it is never easy saying goodbye to someone you love so dearly. Its painful loving so deeply and then losing them. Bruno is watching over you and always will be. I wish I was there to give you a big hug . Cadence sends you a big wet kiss.
Thinking of you,